I don't want to write about Boston. So I won't. Kind of.

"What happened to innocence? I liked NOT being terrified of every public event. I like thinking that something terrible wouldn't or really couldn't happen. I hate having my country being compared to terrorized Middle Eastern countries. I miss the childhood innocence I once felt about the world. My prayers go out to those hurt and injured in the Boston Mass Marathon Bombing. And, this may seem out of place, but my prayers go even stronger out to those who committed this terrible crime. I pray for healing of everyone involved. Mental, physical, and emotional healing for all." 
- Cayla (my 18 year old daughter's Facebook status last night.)

What happened to innocence? My answer couldn't be any better than this my baby... We are leaving Eden. I too, want to walk toward hope, not hopelessness.

There is hope. Read your own words my beautiful daughter. You didn't even know you needed to be afraid, terrified even. You were walking in the innocent belief that you were safe. I'm so sorry that it turns out you're not. 

There is innocence in your public prayer for the victims of this crime, it's even more evident in your prayers for those who committed this atrocity. That you can choose to act in love and show compassion for those least deserving of it, is in the true spirit of Jesus. Jesus never advocated hatred. He never advocated violence. He spoke of love and mercy and redemption. Your heart, in the midst of what has made the nation so angry, reflects him. I am so proud of you. Keep loving baby, even when it hurts, even when it's "out of place" even when it makes no sense and angers those around you. The innocence you seek is inside your own self. It's in your ability to be merciful and kind when it is undeserved.

Today I learned a lesson in compassion and mercy from my daughter. Along with all those people who rushed TOWARD the explosion, TOWARD the danger, to help their fellow humans, my kid gave me a little hope for humanity today.

My kids blow my mind on a daily basis. Today was Cayla's turn.

Happy Birthday Little Broller

Today is one of my favorite people's birthday's! My brother Jon. I wanted to do a super snazzy all emotional post about how much I love him and how cool he is, but I got stuff to do today and these posts are time consuming! So I'm sharing our story in 5 pictures. That's right 5 pictures- whole story. Ready??

   

This is my baby brother. I love him alot. He's cute and soft and he smells like baby lotion.

This is my little brother and I with our Nan. He's still pretty ok. He's about 4 and I'm about 6.

Here we are again. I'm about 8 or 9 which makes him 6 or 7. He's getting annoying. We look like we like each other because it's Christmas.

This is us again, with our new little brother. We both think he's pretty awesome. We do not get along very well right now although we look sweet. He's irritating. He's 10. Maybe 11. He has cooties.

We're all grown up now. We like each other again.

I love you Jon! Have a happy birthday!

Working Out The Quirks

So a couple of posts ago I mentioned changing the name of my blog. You can read that post here. It isn't all that exciting, mostly it's goofy, but I really did/do want to change the name.

I'm not sure how interested I am in getting a huge following going but the advice received was overwhelmingly to keep it simple. Huh. Easier said than done. There is almost NOTHING simple about me except my jeans and t-shirt sense of "non-style".

I played with very complex names, very obscure references, goofy self depreciating phrases, I stalked dozens of blogs coveting their creativity and originality, you know the usual obsessive perfectionist approach to something fairly mundane. I mean really, I don't think enough people read this to even CARE what the name is, much less spend over a week mulling it around in my head.

I got a lot of good suggestions, mostly from Menopausal Mother who, by the way is a fantastic mentor and cheerleader if you're looking to take this blogging thing to the next level. She's super sweet, totally genuine and funny to boot... I think you should read her blog... just sayin... But also from others who just dropped by here to check it out, and some real life "skin on" friends.

Like I said there is nothing simple about me. I think I like complicated on some deep-seated subconscious level that I may never understand the root of. I'm just like that. I like plays on words, I like obscurity and when people get my weird references and jokes it thrills me.

I like being transparent. I'm not good at playing the hide-who-I-am-so-I-won't-be-hurt game. I think I'm too stupid to figure out the rules. They're pretty complicated. Someone will always find a way to hurt you if that's the kind of person they are. Anyway, I've survived a lot. I've made every mistake I can think of. I've been hurt and I've hurt other people. I'm not proud, just human. I think it's important to just share my experiences because as bad as it was, I made it. I came out ok. I'm grown and I'm sane and I have peeps that love me that aren't even related to me! It's a pretty good life. All I ever want to do is encourage others who are hurting, or in the process of healing, or whatever. I like to encourage people. I like to make them feel good about themselves. I like to tell them they are loved. I like to spread hope. I've been told I'm a Pollyanna. I've been told I'm too nice, too compassionate, weird, creative, an encourager, an enigma... It goes on and on.

I've learned to embrace my own quirkiness over the last 4 plus decades. I'm still working it out.

So with all this in mind, I think I've finally landed on a name, that while I'm not sure I love it, it suits me and what I do here better than the original name.

Welcome to "Working Out The Quirks".

Letter to me, from me

Traci,

So this may be a bit difficult to understand, but just go with it... it's me (you) writing to you (me) from the future which is actually the present. I hope you get this in a timely fashion because as bad as you are at procrastinating, it never really gets any better for you in that department. And as bad as 15 was, the rest doesn't get much better for a really long time. So try to pay attention, ok?

I thought about trying to steer you away from your future ex-husbands but both of them have contributed to who you are today. One of them gives you two beautiful daughters and they are the start of regaining your sanity. So hold on. You won't feel crazy forever, just for a couple decades. You survive though, so that's good, although knowing you, you'll flatly disagree with that statement.

Graciously, God will see fit to delete a lot of this year, and last year from your memory. There is good and bad to that. Spoiler alert!! You are about to move in WITH YOUR FATHER. I know right?? No way, no how! But yes, you will. Do me a favor, do us a favor, don't be afraid of him. He's not as scary as we thought. Turns out, he was as afraid of you as you are of him. And he loves you, A LOT, he just doesn't know how to tell you and if you don't do what I'm asking, you won't find this out until he dies, and you just won't believe how bad that's going to hurt. Seriously, if you don't hear another thing I say, hear that. Ok?

You are about to do a lot of really stupid shit. Really stupid. I'd like to warn you away from that cute guy in study hall with the beautiful blue eyes, but I'm not going to. That choice is going to hurt for a really long time, like almost 18 years, but you seriously show your stuff out of a huge mistake and you give 2 people who are really deserving a very selfless gift. So, if you decide to turn on your brain between now and the time you meet him, so be it, but if not, really, it works out ok in the end. I promise. You're going to survive that too.

HOWEVER, please, don't start with the whole drug experimentation thing. It's not worth it. Sober people have fun too. And quit smoking you freaking idiot! PLEASE. Here we are almost 30 years later and you're, uhhh, I'm fighting like crazy to quit and I'm failing again. It doesn't make you cool, it makes you a junkie. Seriously, it's pathetic so just stop already.

Ok, this part is really important too. I know why you feel the way you do, but it's ok to say "no" to the boys and then the men who come into your life. There really is someone who will love you for you whether you have sex with him or not. His name is David. He's stubborn as hell, he has mediocre table manners at best, and he bastardizes the pronunciation of words pretty frequently, but you learn to laugh about it. Sometimes. Occasionally. Ok, he laughs about it... Anyway, try to be nicer to him in the beginning. He doesn't deserve your rage. Honestly, if you just keep your pants on, and stop measuring your worth by the man in your bed you probably won't HAVE so much rage.

Be kind to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't compromise your faith or your comfort level to please another person. You are worth far more than you realize.

Theatre. Seriously, you NEED to do this. Turns out you have talent. Don't quit going to auditions because you bomb that one your Senior year. One bad audition and you quit going?? Ugh. Just do it. You're good at it. Don't resent that you're a poet instead of a musician. Write to your brother more when he goes away. You aren't as ugly or as fat as you think you are, but if you're going to cry about it all the time do something about it. Put on a little blush and go for a walk now and then... but really, it's not as bad as you think. Go to college. Go to church. Don't make that first cut. Embrace your inner nerd. Forgive yourself. It's ok to be alone. Visit your Granny more. Start voting earlier. Laugh more. Don't let your pain or your past define you. Be a little more patient with your kids.

You've got a long way to go. You're going to make it through. You're tougher and smarter than you realize. Don't quit on yourself.

See you sooner than you think.

I'm actually 17 here, but it was the closest to the right age I had on the computer.

Theme Thursday

So I stumbled on this fun new blog, well, new to me anyway... It's called Something Clever 2.0. She has these great writing prompts she calls "Theme Thursday". I'm digging it. This past Thursday was "Write a letter to your 16 year old self". I loved the idea right away.

Actually I wanted to jump on the bandwagon last week, but I'm that kid who never tells you I want to play with you because I'm pretty sure you'll set me up to be the brunt of your joke or tell me I'm just not cool enough to hang out with you. But whatever. I'm 43 years old and I am most definitely telling my 16 year old self to stop acting like that. Anyway, Jenn at Something Clever 2.0 I'm not sure I'm doing this whole crediting you thing the right way, but I'm trying.

By the way, this isn't the letter. This is just the explanation for the next post.

Changing the name of my blog

So, I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, mostly thanks to Menopausal Mother. (She happens to be hilariously funny by the way. You should read her blog!) I've noticed all these creative names people have for their blogs and I'm jealous. I want a creative name for mine too. Oh, there's nothing wrong with the name I started with. There's nothing particularly right about it either. I want the name of this blog to reflect something of myself. The name I currently blog under was chosen hurriedly, and fashioned after my brother's blog (He's not always hilariously funny, but he's always unashamedly himself. You should read his blog too!) because I wanted to say something out here to the world (or my current 4 followers, thanks Meno Mother!) and wanted to do it quickly before the urge and idea flew from my head as do many a good urge and idea.

So here I am. A dozen blog posts later I realize, I really don't like the name of my blog. It's sort of arrogant and stupid and trite and cliche and... I do go on sometimes. Anyway, I want it to say something about who I am. I think if I just figure that out, the perfect name will come to me. Until then, we're going to test out some new names. Now I know only a few people read this so your opinion really does count! Isn't that nice for a change? You could be the deciding factor in a monumental decision of miniscule proportions. Won't that look good on your resume?

Here are some names I'm toying with:

1.  A.D.D./Perfectionism x Love(2) + I'm sorry = Family
(A little complicated but wrought with meaning)

2.  Coming Out Me
(Simple but I kind of like it. Only it may imply I'm homosexual, and I don't want to mislead anyone.)

3.  Ticker Tape Brain
(I don't even know what the heck that means but the image makes me think of what's in my head. Little floaty shreds of thought flying around willy-nilly inside my skull.)

4.  One Part Poet, One part Sloth, 4 Parts Mom
(Really needs no explanation)

5.  Wordy McWord-Nerd
(I really only included that because my family will find it, no, not funny, appropriate)

I think your only real options are going to be 3 or 4, but who knows... convince me.

Words, I love them

Hmm. It's been a long time since I sat down here to write. My brother Jon, God love him, has been suggesting I get back to it - writing that is. I'm not sure I have anything I want to say but I love him SO MUCH that I'll cave, and give it a whirl. Now, it's not that there isn't plenty on my mind, plenty that I'm in an uproar about, no, it's just that I feel sort of at a loss for words. So I think I'm going to borrow someone else's words until I get myself back into writing my heart for the world (or my current 3 followers) to see.

You may not know it, but in my heart of hearts I am a poet. I am a lover of language, a word nerd, a verbal visionary. Ok. Maybe that last one went a little far, but I love words. I love how they string together to form thoughts that explode into pictures in our brains. I love how changing the phrasing and emotion of a simple sentence can change it's meaning a hundred different ways. I love how that same simple sentence can evoke laughter, or tears or rage or hope. I love how words sometimes escape us and that weird little noise you just made, because man, 'you got nothin', says what a thousand words could not. Are you getting the picture? I LOVE WORDS.

I'm not the best writer. I'm not a great poet. I'm envious of those that can weave these intricate pictures of pure undefiled emotion and grab you so tight with a phrase that for a second you can't breathe. Those people are my heroes. Those people rock. So I'm going to introduce you to my newest love, my new best friend, his name is Shane Koyczan, and he is flat out beautiful.

The first time I heard this piece I was captivated immediately by his voice and the rhythm and flow of his words, but when he got to the part about his friend in third grade, I couldn't breathe. By the time he finished her story I was crying, and when he reached the end of this piece I was utterly broken and conversely filled with hope and love and validation. I think if you know me, that is, if you've seen me face to face, you'll understand my brokenness at these words and my validation at the end. You may not get it, and that's ok too.

I have watched this video dozens of times. I still cry every time.

This is the video for his project "To This Day" which is an anti-bullying project. I encourage you to watch it, get a feel for it, watch it again, think about the person in your life who most needs to hear this today, and pass it along to them. This poem blows my mind. Here's the thing though, and maybe it's a bit much for those of us who aren't total word nerds and or poets, but I want you to watch this one next. It's a live performance of two of his poems ("When I Was A Child" and "To This Day") blended together for a live performance. I love watching him perform. He's funny, he's sincere, he's heartbreaking and hopeful all rolled up in one. For my friends who may be sensitive to foul language, there is one instance of it here. I'm not sure which of the 3 of you that is, but, you've been warned.

I'm not going to tell my bullying story today. It's overdone. I tell it mostly to encourage young girls that are being bullied. I hope it offers them hope and strength. I hope it tells them "They were wrong! They have to be wrong. Why else would we still be here?..."

There is limitless power in words. Power to wound. Power to kill. Power to heal and to restore. How will you use your words today?