Monday, April 1, 2013

Letter to me, from me

Traci,

So this may be a bit difficult to understand, but just go with it... it's me (you) writing to you (me) from the future which is actually the present. I hope you get this in a timely fashion because as bad as you are at procrastinating, it never really gets any better for you in that department. And as bad as 15 was, the rest doesn't get much better for a really long time. So try to pay attention, ok?

I thought about trying to steer you away from your future ex-husbands but both of them have contributed to who you are today. One of them gives you two beautiful daughters and they are the start of regaining your sanity. So hold on. You won't feel crazy forever, just for a couple decades. You survive though, so that's good, although knowing you, you'll flatly disagree with that statement.

Graciously, God will see fit to delete a lot of this year, and last year from your memory. There is good and bad to that. Spoiler alert!! You are about to move in WITH YOUR FATHER. I know right?? No way, no how! But yes, you will. Do me a favor, do us a favor, don't be afraid of him. He's not as scary as we thought. Turns out, he was as afraid of you as you are of him. And he loves you, A LOT, he just doesn't know how to tell you and if you don't do what I'm asking, you won't find this out until he dies, and you just won't believe how bad that's going to hurt. Seriously, if you don't hear another thing I say, hear that. Ok?

You are about to do a lot of really stupid shit. Really stupid. I'd like to warn you away from that cute guy in study hall with the beautiful blue eyes, but I'm not going to. That choice is going to hurt for a really long time, like almost 18 years, but you seriously show your stuff out of a huge mistake and you give 2 people who are really deserving a very selfless gift. So, if you decide to turn on your brain between now and the time you meet him, so be it, but if not, really, it works out ok in the end. I promise. You're going to survive that too.

HOWEVER, please, don't start with the whole drug experimentation thing. It's not worth it. Sober people have fun too. And quit smoking you freaking idiot! PLEASE. Here we are almost 30 years later and you're, uhhh, I'm fighting like crazy to quit and I'm failing again. It doesn't make you cool, it makes you a junkie. Seriously, it's pathetic so just stop already.

Ok, this part is really important too. I know why you feel the way you do, but it's ok to say "no" to the boys and then the men who come into your life. There really is someone who will love you for you whether you have sex with him or not. His name is David. He's stubborn as hell, he has mediocre table manners at best, and he bastardizes the pronunciation of words pretty frequently, but you learn to laugh about it. Sometimes. Occasionally. Ok, he laughs about it... Anyway, try to be nicer to him in the beginning. He doesn't deserve your rage. Honestly, if you just keep your pants on, and stop measuring your worth by the man in your bed you probably won't HAVE so much rage.

Be kind to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't compromise your faith or your comfort level to please another person. You are worth far more than you realize.

Theatre. Seriously, you NEED to do this. Turns out you have talent. Don't quit going to auditions because you bomb that one your Senior year. One bad audition and you quit going?? Ugh. Just do it. You're good at it. Don't resent that you're a poet instead of a musician. Write to your brother more when he goes away. You aren't as ugly or as fat as you think you are, but if you're going to cry about it all the time do something about it. Put on a little blush and go for a walk now and then... but really, it's not as bad as you think. Go to college. Go to church. Don't make that first cut. Embrace your inner nerd. Forgive yourself. It's ok to be alone. Visit your Granny more. Start voting earlier. Laugh more. Don't let your pain or your past define you. Be a little more patient with your kids.

You've got a long way to go. You're going to make it through. You're tougher and smarter than you realize. Don't quit on yourself.

See you sooner than you think.


I'm actually 17 here, but it was the closest to the right age I had on the computer.





14 comments:

  1. That was really brave! Thank you for joining us!

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    1. Thanks Jenn! I love that you stopped by, and thanks for the encouragement. Yours is the first post of this type I have participated in. Loved it! Thanks again!

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  2. I can think of something you forgot to tell her... About the people she would impact along the way with her heart, and her talent, and her willingness to be naked for others in a different way that would let people know they are not alone and that there is a God that loves them! I wish I could meet young Traci and give her the biggest warmest hug she's ever had, and am so thankful to know the Traci of today, and to be able to call her friend. I love you Traci Whiting Isley! MUAH!

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    1. That's the goal! I always say people need to know they aren't alone. Especially people in the church, seeking God. We need to be transparent and genuine in encouraging others. We need to remember we all have a past, and the Lord sees us all the same.

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  3. Loved the idea of how you did this Traci. When we sit down and look at our life bit by bit, it's amazing how some of us got through it all and survived to tell the story. All those little twists and turns, heartaches, break-ups, laughter etc along the way shaped us all into the people we are right now.
    Your experiences can and will help many others in so many different ways. I really liked when you said "don't let your pain or your past define you", that meant so much to me. Great Post.

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    1. I let my pain and my past define me for decades. Didn't even know I was doing it. It's only just now, in the last few years, that I'm finally letting that stuff go, not as quickly as I'd like, and it rears it ugly head sometimes, but its so much better. I like myself more now than ever. It's a good feeling.

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  4. Traci, you are an amazing, wonderful, beautiful and talented woman. I knew that 15 year old, and that same letter to myself has bounced around my noggin for a long time. We are who we are because of our experiences. I think the hardest part of life is to forgive ourselves, and to love our self unconditionally.

    I loved you back then and will always have a special place in my heart for you.

    Hugs!

    Tracy

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    1. Yep, you knew me at 16 and at 17 you helped me give birth! You were 15!! I have often wondered how that affected you over the years. Silly thing to wonder about, right? I'm so glad I had friends like you then. I could just sit on your front porch and be silly and feel safe and loved. Thanks my friend. I really needed you.

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  5. It took some courage to write this one. I'm not too thrilled with the stupid ass things I did as a teenager either--and I have tried to steer my own kids in the right direction, hoping they can learn from my mistakes. But you know what? You wouldn't be where you are today if you HADN'T done those things. I'm a firm believer that God has a reason for every obstacle he puts in our path. It all comes down to what we DO with these obstacles that counts. From where I stand, seems like you made the right decisions after all and you're on the right path to success. And I think if that 15 year old girl could look into the eyes of her future self, she would be proud of the woman she becomes! Great post, Traci!

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    1. Thanks Marcia. I didn't really think this was particularly courageous, isn't that funny? I just wrote... I thought about me at that age, my own daughters, every 15 year old girl on the planet who has been hurt, who hurts so bad she wants to die, and wrote the advice I wish I could have given myself and wish I would have listened to and recognized as good advice... That's a terrible run on sentence btw... There are things I would have done differently if I could, there are things I wouldn't change for the world, no matter how hard they were, or how bad they hurt.

      Anyway thanks again for supporting me while I figure out this writing thing. Much appreciated...

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  6. This is just one of the reasons I love you Traci. Simply Awesome!

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    1. Oh you're biased. You just think I'm awesome because I beat that into you as kids! (But thanks...)

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  7. This is exactly why I love you so much, Traci! You're willingness to be transparent makes you a REAL PERSON, and I can feel comfortable saying that I truly KNOW you because of it. I'm so happy that the heartaches of the past have made you the beautiful woman of today, and I'm proud to call you my friend. :)

    Love you.

    Laura

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  8. Aww Laura! Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. I love you too. (Did I make you cry?? LOL!)

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